Transformations

I was talking to a friend about how much she has changed over the time and she snapped back and said almost in a neurotic voice that " she is the same". I did not respond as this is something she wanted to believe and I let her. But the incident made me think of transformations. 

We, human are never static. We are never the same. Incidents, happy moments, accidents, bad news, break ups, illnesses affect our body immensely changing it, reshaping it, reforming it. As homosapiens we concentrate on state of mind more than the state of body therefore we do not feel the connection to our bodies unless it hurts. Pain becomes the only understandable language between us and our bodies. While we do not feel our body our mind always remembers our most appealing images of ourselves which we tend to take as a frame. That image changes from happy moment to happy moment and if you can sit and give it a thought you will understand that the glimpses of ourselves are taken from very happy moments therefore we remember ourselves beautiful, radiant, young and etc. Photos that we save are always the good ones as we delete the bad ones and forget about them. 

So, in this state of mind we believe that we never change, but we do every second of our lives. We are never the same as happenings in our life change us, transform us, renew us. 

The challenge is to accept it in any form it is now, in any shape it is now, in any new transformation it is now!
Just remember that we are not a statue and static, we are dynamic and changing. And any shape of transformation is valid and beautiful! 

Be nice!

While walking down the street in Baku, I noticed a weird tree. Squeezed into couple inches of a dirt hole on the asphalt road, the tree had iron spikes sticking out of the trunk and branches. I made about three turns around the tree scared to even touch it. As if I would hurt the tree if I would touch its wounds. A man passing by saw my amazement and said: "I grew up seeing this tree every day. These are actually communication lines buried under the road. The roots of the tree twisted and turned it for making enough space for itself. While the trunk was growing it squeezed the lines and lines broke making these spikes." 

Perhaps one of the reasons why I surprised was that all these spikes did not stop the tree from growing, branching out and greening every spring. I froze in my place for couple of moments thinking...this tree outgrow all its barriers. These lines made hundreds of holes in the body of the tree hurting it for so many years but it did not stop it from growing and greening. When I saw this quote posted by Artidote I remembered that spiky tree that became the example for me and a good lesson. No matter how many spikes come out of you hurting, you keep growing even if it hurts. The post was quoting Ram Dass, the American Spiritualist:

"When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying, ‘You’re too this, or I’m too this.’ That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are." —Ram Dass 

Is not it enough to remind us that each of us walk with many kinds of spikes sticking out of our souls. Can we be nicer to each other and understand and empathize while appreciating their existence in any form they survived to?

Hopeless Realist: I am me! You are you!

Just like in many other cultures, in Azerbaijan partners are weirdly imposed to be our "other half". I used to believe in that crap too but lately I started thinking..why can't I just be me and he be himself?! Why do we have to be "one"?- My mom laughed and said "that's why you are still single!"

Sometime after the last break-up I read an article where it said that "To call someone else your 'other half' assumes that you are less without them, which is not healthy way of viewing yourself". We all have been in relationships where either one's priorities outweighed the other and at breakups or divorces we felt that we really have lost ourselves. That is something they never taught us in Azerbaijan. In a culture where everything is about sacrificing yourself we were never told to hold on to ourselves and that healthy relationship is the one where both partners are exercising their freedoms, likes, hobbies, friendships on their own without compromising the other one. Nobody told us, we don't have to do same thing, eat the same thing, believe in the same thing, like the same thing...Nobody told us that we are unique the way we are and as long as we like each other the way we are the relationship we are in will be less monotonous and less simply sad.

All our lives we walk with empty left side believing that there will be a guy/girl walking with his/her empty left to match us like in lego figures. And then we will both dance the relationship tango until one stops and then unclicks himself/herself from the 'other half' leaving us/them with a huge black hole. LOL! How could we all believe in a shit like this? Why can't we just be ourselves and fill the left side with a lot of love, respect, magic selves? Why do we ha
ve to tango together while one of us could enjoy salsa and another step dancing? Why can't we enjoy each other's weird selves rather than becoming one boring and unhealthy organ doomed to stagnate and rot?

Think about it before it is too late. Start filling your empty left with self love and explore yourself as we are all one rich garden full of exciting plans and flowers. Believe me love will find you then as Love does not like needy people in misery ;) 

Chase into a robot

Men of Azerbaijan are terrible fathers, big cheaters, great liars and strong as bull. Who made them like this? Answer is, all women in their lives. 

I grew up in a very traditional family. My father was barely home all my childhood and grew up hearing my mother cursing his job and the money because he was never around for us as kids. At some point when Soviets collapsed my father has lost his prestigious job and did not work for a while. He was home all the time, sometimes cooking for us, sometimes cleaning after us, sometimes being too much of a stalker parent while my mother worked. Nevertheless, he became too much for my mother all of a sudden. At every chance she was sending him somewhere to buy something, to carry something, travel or something else so that he does not stick home too much as it was tough to see him picking up 'other' roles in the family meaning more feminine roles which my society had no idea. One day my mother wanted a strong man who only works and bring money and does not care about the rest much and another moment she wanted a sensitive man, taking care of kids, asking them questions, taking them to kindergarten and stuff. Contradictions followed me all my life. She kept telling me, remember, never marry a man who does not work, never marry a man who sits home too much, never marry a man who does not care about kids, never marry a man who does not have a house, proper paying job (that means he can be either doctor/police/lawyer/politician/ or businessman) and the car, never marry the guy who does not open the door for you, or carries your stuff......bla bla bla. All the women around me since childhood made a checklist in my head which I never was able to fit any man from my society and ended up never getting married at my 33 years which is too late for my society anyway. Hahah I am almost dead for them with a gloomy lonely death where there is no child of mine to bury me :D. I understand that we all grew up dreaming about a prince on a white horse but honestly how many of us ever humanize them as being as capricious, as physically weak, as sensitive, as feminine, well groomed as they could be. Why in our imagination men who are groomed well are womanizers; Why often crying sensitive men are considered to be weak, aren't we crying all the time as women, does it make us weak?! ; Why those who prefer to sit home and take care of children are not accepted as fatherly act but being a loser with bad career?!

I am sick and tired of women being whatever they want to be and never allowing their men to exercise the same. Why do we keep dreaming of men like robots saving us from God knows what, having sex to us non-stop, bringing money like shit, and carrying heaviest stuff for us? Why do we keep dreaming of a robot instead of a sensitive, sensual, caring man?  

There is another problem - abusing men. Women in most cases justify as 'Compared to what he does, this is nothing". Just recently I read a blog about male being abused by their girl-friends and wives and it made me very sad. We talk a lot about women being abused by men, but do we ever talk about men being abused in this society or really in any society. I have many readers from Bangladesh, different African and Asian countries. I am sure you have a similar role for men. If you are, then below mentioned notes taken from boredpanda.com might be interesting thing to assess yourself to see how abusive you are to your man: 

The note says:

STOP

- Yelling at him in front of his friends;

- Hitting or slapping him when he does or says something you don't like; 

- Telling him he does not have a choice when you decide for both;

- Telling him not to talk to other girls even if they are his friends;

- Forcing him to spend every moment with you;

- Threatening to leave him if he does not do what you want; 

- Accusing him of cheating every moment when he is not around;

- Telling him that you are the only one in this planet who loves him like that :D 

- Crying or pretend to be crying to force him to do things for you;

- Blow up his phone with sms-es every five minutes if he does not respond;

- Violating his privacy by checking his pockets, phone, computer;

I mean the list could go on and on and I am sure many of you have already recognized yourselves which was the point. The matter is, the society tells us since we are kids that we are queens and princesses deserving the best of the best. But honey, don't you think guys deserve the best of the best as well as much as you do? So, while you see them as one of those in the picture above (money, sex organ and power), he will also see you as one of those in the picture as well ( cleaner, incubator for a baby and cute doll). And guess who should be the one to change all these roles once they are  still boys and girls? - Mothers. But until then, it is worth trying to change yourselves and your attitudes towards your precious men. 

A good friend of mine said recently that, human are able to change their perception, attitude and habits within six good years. So, things are actually not as imprinted to our psychology as we might think. They can change. We can change and here is how...

1. Ask questions: As a rule we girls expect the world running around us. We got used to being asked how do we feel and we like being asked questions so that we can go on and on about how shitty or how great (rarely) we feel. Men do too. You need to really ask them every single day about how they feel while you gently kiss them, massage them or just hold them. Even if he won't say much, he will know you will keep asking and being there for him no matter how hard his life gets. 

2. Hold him: We like being held and patted as we are like cats. Be sure men do too. As soon as he comes home, hold them in your lap just a little while and pat him. You will see how relaxed his shoulders will become all of a sudden and he will put his guard down knowing that he can be himself with you without acting like a big bear out there in the world. And believe me, the world does not want to see men weak so they act most of the time and exhaust themselves. They need to know that they can be as weak as they want in your trusted arms.

3. Talk to him: Talking for us is by rule is very judgemental. Half screaming, half smirking, half ironically smiling. That's not talking. Talking is, if he hurts you to sit in front of him and tell him, you know you hurt me today by saying.../doing.../not doing....You made me feel like...... I don't know what made you act like that, but this is not how i think i deserve being treated. Men are like cats too. They know when you are sincere and sense when you are being sneaky. So, be very very sincere. I am sure that will affect him. 

4.  Treat him like a soulmate: Stop seeing him as a money machine. Of course I am not talking about men who neither work nor help the household. Men who act like good-for-nothing are not good partners/husbands/boy-friends. Send them away. About the rest, allow men to chose what they want to do with their lives. Stop thinking only about your own comfort, think about men's as well. Be open about these things and try to treat him more like a soulmate rather than a money machine. 

5. Give him boys time: All men just like us need their own crazy time with their friends. Give him privacy so that he can exercise his right to proper leisure with his friends. Don't be jealous about it. Instead, meet with your friends and do the same without being bitchy about it. That will give him a chance to understand that you respect him not control.

6. Don't use him for money: Instead of seeing him as dollar bill, start working yourself as well and be fair in your expenses. For example: Make sure he gets his shopping time too as frequently as you do. He deserves spending his money for himself as well. Stop thinking that men are born only to earn you money so that you can fuck their brain and eventually their lives. The more you demand money, further he will run. Therefore, be fair. Earn your money yourself and let him feel equally responsible not the only one. 

7. Talk highly of him: Your man needs to feel that kids are his too not only yours. As naturally women have a closer bonding with their children, men are always polarized. Make sure children respect and love their fathers. They are not your therapy dogs or psychiatrists. Kids are kids. Never talk to them about your man/woman problems unless they are in charge of changing something. Otherwise, make sure your family, kids and your friends respect your man and see the best of him. Even if you divorce, make sure you respect the man once you shared your life with. 

Don't turn your men into robots. Try to see their weaknesses as humane as possible without being judgemental. 

Seven ways of being an Azeri man: Critical angle

I am sure Azerbaijani men reading this post will be furious and quite insulted. But to be honest, I don't even care. Living in Azerbaijan for more than 25 years was more than enough to observe behavior patterns of men. Therefore, I have enough leverage to speak about things that I have tested on myself. 

Of course not everyone is like this and there are ethical men around as well, it is just when you enter the country you see more of these kind of guys than those ethical. 

The purpose of this post is not to shame these men, but guide foreigners through in a way that they don't feel that shocked when they come to the country. 

Men of Azerbaijan have seven main patterns of behavior: 

1. Spitting: 

Azerbaijani men love spitting. It gives them an immense pleasure from pushing the saliva with their super powers. It could land anywhere. That's the best part of it. If you are in car? No worries. Open the window and spit anywhere you want. Baku winds will take them far away...to the fore-window of the next car, someone's hair, anywhere actually. Fun, no?

2. Littering: 

You have to garbage. That’s it! Cigarette cork, water bottle, napkins, anything. Men of Azerbaijan are busy. Are very busy and that’s why walking to the next trach can could be devastating. Why to bother? Toss it around and someone will definitely clean it. What do you mean? People are being paid for cleaning. Cleaning our garbage is their job. Do your best, I would say! 

3. Swearing: 

First thing you have to learn is how to swear. Throw "f**k" here and there. It is not fun if it is among men, you have to make sure women and children are around. Kidding me? This is how you are showing them your power. I am a man and it is quite ethical to swear. We are emotional people. We can't grow tumor inside; it has to be out somehow. 

4. Cheating: 

Oh, you are in relationship? No worries. Married? Even better! You can't cheat if you are single, isn't it true?! Therefore, if you want to enjoy the adrenalin of cheating, you have to enter a relationship or a marriage. Preferably with local women because they forgive a lot. If you don't cheat, you are not a man. Go cheat, stop waiting your lovely youth-hood. 

5. Loving: 

Love is not love if not exercised through innocent punch on your loved one. Once in a while it is good to show your "love" to your woman. Bruise is even better. More power, more love. We have a proverb or saying "If he beats, he loves". Enjoy your power. 

6. Apologizing: 

The only time men apologize for what they have said is when they speak about their wife or children. Before speaking about your wife or while introducing her, say: " Sizdə məni bağışlayın" (please forgive me), this is my wife. When you speak about your wife, everyone knows that you are f****** her, therefore, apology ahead is very respectful thing.

7. Blaming:

When children in trouble, remember, that can't be their or your fault as a parent. It is the fault of your wife/partner. Good kids are their fathers; bad kids are their mothers. Blame your wife for everything that is wrong with your kids. Beat her, swear at her, cheat on her, leave her alone with "her" kids. She won't run away, don't worry. Her family will bounce her back at you anyway. And yeah before I forget, if your wife keeps giving you girl child only, you have to blame her as well. You can’t blame a sperm though; it is the woman who cooks god knows what in her belly.

Of course this list could be as long as possible, but I decided to prioritize the main characteristics. Azerbaijani men have great patterns as well which I will be covering in these upcoming days. But till then, you will have to hold on to this one :) 

Random incident: Teacher to teach what?!

Sitting at a local cafe in Baku and working. After a while a group of ladies ( two moms and two daughters) came into the cafe which was amazingly full. As soon as entered they approached to a table of four which was already "marked" with two coats. They made themselves comfortable without paying attention to the fact that this table is someone's and that someone's coat is still here. 

In a minute the couple who were probably at the bathroom came back. They apologized and took their coats off and turned to the waitress to ask for another seat. These ladies did not even move or apologize. In couple of minutes they realized that this table is too much centered and that people passing by all the time are making it hard to have private conversation. 

They stood up and moved their things to find a new seat. As I was sitting at the table of four (i know is wrong but I was sitting there with four people since morning) they started approaching me. Already agitated from the incident with young couple I did not raise my head. Waiter decided to mediate for them so he asked if it would be ok for these ladies to sit next to me. I said yes and went on with my work. They kept loudly arguing on what they want and what they should not order. One of the ladies called someone and asked if he/she feels confident to take his/her exam tomorrow. If not, she said she will call the dean and ask to give free mark. Looking like a classic rüşvətxor müəllimə  i got irritated even more by her physique. One of the girls looked embarrassed at all times and kept asking others to behave. Apparently, she was the most educated among them.

After discussing everything on the menu she ordered tea. One of the women said that she has some qənd and that they should not buy sweets. While involuntarily listening to their conversations, my food arrived. I eat my food and asked for the bill. As soon as I paid for it, I stood up, packed my stuff to slowly move out. In the meantime one of the ladies was picking her tooth with a tooth pic and as soon as she was over, she tossed it my side of the table. I looked at her in disgust and left immediately. While I was making my way out, they were loudly chuckling.

While walking I thought, if a teacher of this nation can not even behave herself in a public place, how does she behave in a classroom where she needs to be an example?! 

How to date yourself?! Part II

Note: Dating experience is not very welcomed in Azerbaijan. Therefore, Azerbaijani women look at every relationship as a potential marriage and the guy as a potential marriage material. You say hi, and she already married you in her mind. Scary I know! Family immediately starts investigating your family and all ancestors. Friends investigate you and all your previous relationships. It is a full scale investigation on you. If you are an Azeri guy, then good luck. If you are foreigner, good luck too. But lucky you that they are not so good with international investigations. Long story short, every break up is a pain for the poor Azeri girl. I mean a lot of painful pain. Hope that this post will make them think twice before moving onto a new relationship or potential marriage. 

Dear Azeri girl! Once you stop whining and mourning the loss of the potential father of your kids, you should not immediately jump into another relationship which has a potential damage on your nerves and life. Therefore, I suggest you stop dating guys at all for a while and date yourself. Dating yourself will be a new experience for you. Refreshing, eye opening, healing experience. While this is widely used in foreign experience, for Azeri women it is a bit new concept. I think it is worth trying and testing. Every new relationship you are stepping into deserves a new, fresh start. Traumatized you is just another crack on your newly started relationship. Until you are emotionally ready for another one, don't step into it. 

I know it will hurt. Everything actually. Relatives' comments, friend's push and your ex's new life. So honey, pull yourself together and read on. 

1. Meet the Pain!

Make friends with your pain. If your heart wants to stay alone, then stay alone. If your heart wants to cry, then cry. Watch some "aglamalinski" movie and cry as much as you want. Pain needs to be welcomed and sent as a guest. He comes and he goes. So, don't try to lock him in your wardrobe. Don't try to hide it. It will get even worse growing more and more becoming a monster inside of you. Don't make this fake smile to please your loved ones. Tell them actually how it feels. Tell them it is fucking miserable without that asshole. Tell them how much you are suffering. Believe me, it will please your pain sooo much that it will calm down and leave. So, if you want the pain go, then meet him with grace and sincerity. 

 2. Mock the ex! 

If there are guys reading this, probably they will curse me, but they should know that this post applies to them as well. So, how to mock the ex? Once a week sms him. A sad, very sad, traumatizing, killing text. Tell them how miserable you are now and how much you miss them (only if you do. No need to lie). Tell them how you are trying to move on with your new life. Even if he does not write back, you keep writing. Once a week! No more! Once the pain is gone, he will be gone too. You will not need to write him anymore. The most important thing is to feed your heart. If your heart misses him, let him know that your heart is missing him. It is fare! And yeah, if he calls back or writes back, don't dare to respond. Remember, you are the one mocking him. Don't let him mock you as well! Only you are the boss! 

3. Pamper yourself! 

The main thing here is to see yourself in a third person. Call yourself "she". What she wants, what she feels, wh

at she is going through and etc. So, you need to pamper her. As much as possible. If you have read the previous post, you know that compromising to Azeri men means letting yourself go. So, what we are trying here is to bring her back to you. Bringing you to you!

Keep asking yourself what "she" wants today. Maybe she wants ice-cream, maybe she wants a black and white movie, maybe "she" wants to wear the red little dress and cream pumps with theatrical hair do and red lipstick? Give it to her. "She" deserves the best clothing you have, the best lipstick, the best cafe in the city, the best food, the best desert and best night time Baku ride. Main thing is here, not to feel weirded. 

We have always been taught to dress up for someone or something. We were taught to always decorate ourselves for someone. Not true man! We are our own best person, best friend, best date, best parent and etc. First days, it will be awkward, I admit. You will hide in your phone, tablet or comp or book. You will be ashamed of being alone. As if everyone is looking at you. Let them, bitch! Let them enjoy the amazing view. Try to eventually eliminating all these distracters and stay alone. Smile at others when they stare. Eventually you will feel comfortable dating yourself. You will open yourself the door. Buy the best presents ever. Amazing flowers. Dashing dresses. Morning coffee to the bed and etc. You will soon understand that your best person in this wide world is you and you only! 

4. Explore yourself! 

When we enter a relationship, compromise monster makes us slowly give up on ourselves. We start liking the things that our partner does, or doing the things they like. Once the relationship is over, we find ourselves in an empty body which has nothing of our own. When we start a new relationship without finding ourselves again, it is hard to ground yourself. When I say explore yourself, I mean start studying yourself again. What are your likes, what are the things that you like certain way or certain food. It will help you to have a solid ground before meeting your dominant Azeri man. 

Part of your self exploration could be doing something new. Learning a new talent or new skill that could bring you a new perspective. It could be a new language, pottery, simple drawing classes, carpet weaving, wood turning, tailoring, designing simple stuff from clay. Main thing is never to stop asking:"If you like it or not" 

5. Travel! 

They say if you are lost, then travel. Best way of finding yourself is first loosing it in an extraordinary culture full of scents, shiny buildings, historical avenues, winding streets, delicious food and moving music. I keep observing people being afraid of a change. Even when you tell someone that they have changed, first reaction is always rejection. They say they are the same. Then ask in what way?! We need to realize that we are not static creatures staying the same. Every second our body cells renew themselves. We are a new us every other second. Transformed and never the same. Why not to cherish that change and accept it the way it is? 

As it says in "Eat, Love, Pray", "Ruin is gift. Ruin is the road to transformation". Standing up from these ruins you are in as a new person who has new likes or dislikes, new favorites, new style or values is the most natural thing. All you need to do is to allow yourself to change, to get lost sometimes and then find it as a tiny- shiny pearl. Keep traveling, keep exploring! 

6. Kick the fear! 

Another most natural thing is being afraid of new relationships or breakups. Accepting the fact that our brain is designed to scare the shit out of us, we need to move on with life. Sometimes fear is right, sometimes it is wro

ng. Being afraid of breakups will only make it worse as it will keep pushing you to idealize someone in your mind while creating a block comprised of your prejudices and stereotypes and traumas. Disappointment becomes even more painful than the break up itself. Therefore, be afraid but do it anyway. Don't be afraid of exploring new dates by making the choose yourself. In Azerbaijani society we are told that we are being chosen versus choosing. Don't be afraid of choosing yourself, making the first step and exercising new roles. Fear will become butterflies believe me if you stop blocking yourself.

I started dating myself in September of 2015 and surprisingly it continued for one year. I kept enjoying my own company, my own existence in my own life. I learned so many new things about myself that before I had no idea. I have started loving myself more and more. As I loved me more I have started accepting myself more. I blocked everyone's expectations of me. I have started living the way I wish myself to live. In the meantime, i got healed. My body, my mind healed itself as long as I trusted it. My self confidence boosted. I became more aware of my emotional ground. Misery I was in was gone. Fear became my friend. I still fear the most of the time, but some things are different as I fear and do anyway. I somehow became more mature. More of an adult, more of a child at the same time. 

When I say date yourself, I mean it. From my own experience. From my own rite of passage.