Seven ways of being an Azeri man: Critical angle

I am sure Azerbaijani men reading this post will be furious and quite insulted. But to be honest, I don't even care. Living in Azerbaijan for more than 25 years was more than enough to observe behavior patterns of men. Therefore, I have enough leverage to speak about things that I have tested on myself. 

Of course not everyone is like this and there are ethical men around as well, it is just when you enter the country you see more of these kind of guys than those ethical. 

The purpose of this post is not to shame these men, but guide foreigners through in a way that they don't feel that shocked when they come to the country. 

Men of Azerbaijan have seven main patterns of behavior: 

1. Spitting: 

Azerbaijani men love spitting. It gives them an immense pleasure from pushing the saliva with their super powers. It could land anywhere. That's the best part of it. If you are in car? No worries. Open the window and spit anywhere you want. Baku winds will take them far away...to the fore-window of the next car, someone's hair, anywhere actually. Fun, no?

2. Littering: 

You have to garbage. That’s it! Cigarette cork, water bottle, napkins, anything. Men of Azerbaijan are busy. Are very busy and that’s why walking to the next trach can could be devastating. Why to bother? Toss it around and someone will definitely clean it. What do you mean? People are being paid for cleaning. Cleaning our garbage is their job. Do your best, I would say! 

3. Swearing: 

First thing you have to learn is how to swear. Throw "f**k" here and there. It is not fun if it is among men, you have to make sure women and children are around. Kidding me? This is how you are showing them your power. I am a man and it is quite ethical to swear. We are emotional people. We can't grow tumor inside; it has to be out somehow. 

4. Cheating: 

Oh, you are in relationship? No worries. Married? Even better! You can't cheat if you are single, isn't it true?! Therefore, if you want to enjoy the adrenalin of cheating, you have to enter a relationship or a marriage. Preferably with local women because they forgive a lot. If you don't cheat, you are not a man. Go cheat, stop waiting your lovely youth-hood. 

5. Loving: 

Love is not love if not exercised through innocent punch on your loved one. Once in a while it is good to show your "love" to your woman. Bruise is even better. More power, more love. We have a proverb or saying "If he beats, he loves". Enjoy your power. 

6. Apologizing: 

The only time men apologize for what they have said is when they speak about their wife or children. Before speaking about your wife or while introducing her, say: " Sizdə məni bağışlayın" (please forgive me), this is my wife. When you speak about your wife, everyone knows that you are f****** her, therefore, apology ahead is very respectful thing.

7. Blaming:

When children in trouble, remember, that can't be their or your fault as a parent. It is the fault of your wife/partner. Good kids are their fathers; bad kids are their mothers. Blame your wife for everything that is wrong with your kids. Beat her, swear at her, cheat on her, leave her alone with "her" kids. She won't run away, don't worry. Her family will bounce her back at you anyway. And yeah before I forget, if your wife keeps giving you girl child only, you have to blame her as well. You can’t blame a sperm though; it is the woman who cooks god knows what in her belly.

Of course this list could be as long as possible, but I decided to prioritize the main characteristics. Azerbaijani men have great patterns as well which I will be covering in these upcoming days. But till then, you will have to hold on to this one :) 

Random incident: Teacher to teach what?!

Sitting at a local cafe in Baku and working. After a while a group of ladies ( two moms and two daughters) came into the cafe which was amazingly full. As soon as entered they approached to a table of four which was already "marked" with two coats. They made themselves comfortable without paying attention to the fact that this table is someone's and that someone's coat is still here. 

In a minute the couple who were probably at the bathroom came back. They apologized and took their coats off and turned to the waitress to ask for another seat. These ladies did not even move or apologize. In couple of minutes they realized that this table is too much centered and that people passing by all the time are making it hard to have private conversation. 

They stood up and moved their things to find a new seat. As I was sitting at the table of four (i know is wrong but I was sitting there with four people since morning) they started approaching me. Already agitated from the incident with young couple I did not raise my head. Waiter decided to mediate for them so he asked if it would be ok for these ladies to sit next to me. I said yes and went on with my work. They kept loudly arguing on what they want and what they should not order. One of the ladies called someone and asked if he/she feels confident to take his/her exam tomorrow. If not, she said she will call the dean and ask to give free mark. Looking like a classic rüşvətxor müəllimə  i got irritated even more by her physique. One of the girls looked embarrassed at all times and kept asking others to behave. Apparently, she was the most educated among them.

After discussing everything on the menu she ordered tea. One of the women said that she has some qənd and that they should not buy sweets. While involuntarily listening to their conversations, my food arrived. I eat my food and asked for the bill. As soon as I paid for it, I stood up, packed my stuff to slowly move out. In the meantime one of the ladies was picking her tooth with a tooth pic and as soon as she was over, she tossed it my side of the table. I looked at her in disgust and left immediately. While I was making my way out, they were loudly chuckling.

While walking I thought, if a teacher of this nation can not even behave herself in a public place, how does she behave in a classroom where she needs to be an example?! 

How to date yourself?! Part II

Note: Dating experience is not very welcomed in Azerbaijan. Therefore, Azerbaijani women look at every relationship as a potential marriage and the guy as a potential marriage material. You say hi, and she already married you in her mind. Scary I know! Family immediately starts investigating your family and all ancestors. Friends investigate you and all your previous relationships. It is a full scale investigation on you. If you are an Azeri guy, then good luck. If you are foreigner, good luck too. But lucky you that they are not so good with international investigations. Long story short, every break up is a pain for the poor Azeri girl. I mean a lot of painful pain. Hope that this post will make them think twice before moving onto a new relationship or potential marriage. 

Dear Azeri girl! Once you stop whining and mourning the loss of the potential father of your kids, you should not immediately jump into another relationship which has a potential damage on your nerves and life. Therefore, I suggest you stop dating guys at all for a while and date yourself. Dating yourself will be a new experience for you. Refreshing, eye opening, healing experience. While this is widely used in foreign experience, for Azeri women it is a bit new concept. I think it is worth trying and testing. Every new relationship you are stepping into deserves a new, fresh start. Traumatized you is just another crack on your newly started relationship. Until you are emotionally ready for another one, don't step into it. 

I know it will hurt. Everything actually. Relatives' comments, friend's push and your ex's new life. So honey, pull yourself together and read on. 

1. Meet the Pain!

Make friends with your pain. If your heart wants to stay alone, then stay alone. If your heart wants to cry, then cry. Watch some "aglamalinski" movie and cry as much as you want. Pain needs to be welcomed and sent as a guest. He comes and he goes. So, don't try to lock him in your wardrobe. Don't try to hide it. It will get even worse growing more and more becoming a monster inside of you. Don't make this fake smile to please your loved ones. Tell them actually how it feels. Tell them it is fucking miserable without that asshole. Tell them how much you are suffering. Believe me, it will please your pain sooo much that it will calm down and leave. So, if you want the pain go, then meet him with grace and sincerity. 

 2. Mock the ex! 

If there are guys reading this, probably they will curse me, but they should know that this post applies to them as well. So, how to mock the ex? Once a week sms him. A sad, very sad, traumatizing, killing text. Tell them how miserable you are now and how much you miss them (only if you do. No need to lie). Tell them how you are trying to move on with your new life. Even if he does not write back, you keep writing. Once a week! No more! Once the pain is gone, he will be gone too. You will not need to write him anymore. The most important thing is to feed your heart. If your heart misses him, let him know that your heart is missing him. It is fare! And yeah, if he calls back or writes back, don't dare to respond. Remember, you are the one mocking him. Don't let him mock you as well! Only you are the boss! 

3. Pamper yourself! 

The main thing here is to see yourself in a third person. Call yourself "she". What she wants, what she feels, wh

at she is going through and etc. So, you need to pamper her. As much as possible. If you have read the previous post, you know that compromising to Azeri men means letting yourself go. So, what we are trying here is to bring her back to you. Bringing you to you!

Keep asking yourself what "she" wants today. Maybe she wants ice-cream, maybe she wants a black and white movie, maybe "she" wants to wear the red little dress and cream pumps with theatrical hair do and red lipstick? Give it to her. "She" deserves the best clothing you have, the best lipstick, the best cafe in the city, the best food, the best desert and best night time Baku ride. Main thing is here, not to feel weirded. 

We have always been taught to dress up for someone or something. We were taught to always decorate ourselves for someone. Not true man! We are our own best person, best friend, best date, best parent and etc. First days, it will be awkward, I admit. You will hide in your phone, tablet or comp or book. You will be ashamed of being alone. As if everyone is looking at you. Let them, bitch! Let them enjoy the amazing view. Try to eventually eliminating all these distracters and stay alone. Smile at others when they stare. Eventually you will feel comfortable dating yourself. You will open yourself the door. Buy the best presents ever. Amazing flowers. Dashing dresses. Morning coffee to the bed and etc. You will soon understand that your best person in this wide world is you and you only! 

4. Explore yourself! 

When we enter a relationship, compromise monster makes us slowly give up on ourselves. We start liking the things that our partner does, or doing the things they like. Once the relationship is over, we find ourselves in an empty body which has nothing of our own. When we start a new relationship without finding ourselves again, it is hard to ground yourself. When I say explore yourself, I mean start studying yourself again. What are your likes, what are the things that you like certain way or certain food. It will help you to have a solid ground before meeting your dominant Azeri man. 

Part of your self exploration could be doing something new. Learning a new talent or new skill that could bring you a new perspective. It could be a new language, pottery, simple drawing classes, carpet weaving, wood turning, tailoring, designing simple stuff from clay. Main thing is never to stop asking:"If you like it or not" 

5. Travel! 

They say if you are lost, then travel. Best way of finding yourself is first loosing it in an extraordinary culture full of scents, shiny buildings, historical avenues, winding streets, delicious food and moving music. I keep observing people being afraid of a change. Even when you tell someone that they have changed, first reaction is always rejection. They say they are the same. Then ask in what way?! We need to realize that we are not static creatures staying the same. Every second our body cells renew themselves. We are a new us every other second. Transformed and never the same. Why not to cherish that change and accept it the way it is? 

As it says in "Eat, Love, Pray", "Ruin is gift. Ruin is the road to transformation". Standing up from these ruins you are in as a new person who has new likes or dislikes, new favorites, new style or values is the most natural thing. All you need to do is to allow yourself to change, to get lost sometimes and then find it as a tiny- shiny pearl. Keep traveling, keep exploring! 

6. Kick the fear! 

Another most natural thing is being afraid of new relationships or breakups. Accepting the fact that our brain is designed to scare the shit out of us, we need to move on with life. Sometimes fear is right, sometimes it is wro

ng. Being afraid of breakups will only make it worse as it will keep pushing you to idealize someone in your mind while creating a block comprised of your prejudices and stereotypes and traumas. Disappointment becomes even more painful than the break up itself. Therefore, be afraid but do it anyway. Don't be afraid of exploring new dates by making the choose yourself. In Azerbaijani society we are told that we are being chosen versus choosing. Don't be afraid of choosing yourself, making the first step and exercising new roles. Fear will become butterflies believe me if you stop blocking yourself.

I started dating myself in September of 2015 and surprisingly it continued for one year. I kept enjoying my own company, my own existence in my own life. I learned so many new things about myself that before I had no idea. I have started loving myself more and more. As I loved me more I have started accepting myself more. I blocked everyone's expectations of me. I have started living the way I wish myself to live. In the meantime, i got healed. My body, my mind healed itself as long as I trusted it. My self confidence boosted. I became more aware of my emotional ground. Misery I was in was gone. Fear became my friend. I still fear the most of the time, but some things are different as I fear and do anyway. I somehow became more mature. More of an adult, more of a child at the same time. 

When I say date yourself, I mean it. From my own experience. From my own rite of passage. 

How to date yourself? Part I

- You: You can't date yourself! 

- Me: Shut up! 

While there are millions of lonely hearts out there in the world, why one would date oneself, you may ask. Well, maybe to find oneself lost in the shades of others?! 

When we are young, people give us tons of crappy advice. Among many cool craps there is this special one which everyone keeps religiously believing. It’s called compromise! A big, fat, smelly lie that they force us to swallow. They use compromise to make us believe that either one of us in relationship should give up on oneself in favor of the other. While this might sound like a cool thing to have in relationships in fact it is one of the reasons why many fall apart. 

Women are perceived to have an edge over men when it comes to compromising. As 'fire keepers' of relationships and marriages women feel more responsible for the future of the union than men. Therefore, they more naturally give up on themselves to become the way the partner would like to see. No matter how judgmental and biased I may sound towards women, this happens to men as well. Less likely of course, but still true. 

When we leave a relationship, a partnership or a marriage after a long union, we take a very long, painful path back to ourselves. As if this is the worst road we have ever been. We start fearing oneness with ourselves. That's not because we have lost our loved one who was our last hope in this life, but because getting along with ourselves 
becomes awkward, uncomfortable and unusually hard. Everything becomes meaningless all of a sudden. Life so complicated. Tastes so sharp. Body so uncomfortable. Us unrecognizable. We cut our hair, color it, change city or work. Mornings become so boring, sun too shiny, moon too depressing. People pity us for being lonely. For being a looser. Who is that person in the mirror? -you ask sometimes! Well-its new you in old skin. Lost in shades of another lost soul. 

You are still you. The reason why you do not recognize is because they pushed you to disconnect from your own lovely soul. That's because you have abandoned yourself somewhere in that blue little dress with yellow tiny flowers, old sneakers, torn pajamas, that granny underwear that always made you all homey and comfy. That's because, every day you compromised, you gave a little bit of yourself away. That's because, you left yourself all by herself... Slowly, bit by bit you became a new you. What to do? Kill it? Kick it? Let go? Maybe, make peace. But how? I mean how should you go back to a normal life when you are not the same person you left don't even remember when?! 

Go back home, take out that torn pajama, put it on and come in front of the mirror. Stare at yourself for a while, maybe cry or maybe smile. Don't ask yourself how did you end up in here. Mess your hair with your right hand. Jump once or twice that heavy body that feels like ten tons. Pull the sides of your pajama or the blue tiny dress and like a little princes make a nice, gentle turn. Smell yourself. Smell a bit more. Sweaty, sour, delicious? Put your head on your own shoulder. Hard isn't it? :) Try the other side. Still hard? Then damn girl, start rolling your head. Make it look like an exercise. And yeah, try to pull your own hair. Damn, it hurts, no? Shit! Sorry! and finally, start singing your state hymn. I know it is boring, but sing anyway. If you are done, bow, say thank you and smile. Force yourself to smile. Do you recognize that silly girl now?! Just a little bit? Well, it is just the start. Keep reading, we are not done yet:) 

We all have an emotional break at one or many occasions of our life. Feeling sad, depressed, ugly, fat, skinny, unhappy, lonely is your right. You have all the rights to fall to the ground, break into tears, scream like crazy, smile, pull your parts together and glue it with hope again. Remember, we fall to stand up! Look at that little girl inside you. Tiny you. Does not she deserve more effort from you? Don't you want to sit in front of her and tell her that you will hold her hand, stand up with her and walk wherever she wants to go? Then do! Stand up! Reach your own hand. Tell her, you are the same you. You are beautiful! You are weak! But you will get stronger! You will lead her there! And lead!  

I know it is not easy. Nobody said it would. But close your eyes and feel me. We are all one! You, me, many others bleeding like you. Standing on our shaky legs we have never been this strong. This unbreakable. Time to walk. Time to conquer. Time to run. Time to give your hair to wind. It is time to love yourself again. It is time to date yourself! 

Bestiality: Men and Donkeys.

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