Be nice!

While walking down the street in Baku, I noticed a weird tree. Squeezed into couple inches of a dirt hole on the asphalt road, the tree had iron spikes sticking out of the trunk and branches. I made about three turns around the tree scared to even touch it. As if I would hurt the tree if I would touch its wounds. A man passing by saw my amazement and said: "I grew up seeing this tree every day. These are actually communication lines buried under the road. The roots of the tree twisted and turned it for making enough space for itself. While the trunk was growing it squeezed the lines and lines broke making these spikes." 

Perhaps one of the reasons why I surprised was that all these spikes did not stop the tree from growing, branching out and greening every spring. I froze in my place for couple of moments thinking...this tree outgrow all its barriers. These lines made hundreds of holes in the body of the tree hurting it for so many years but it did not stop it from growing and greening. When I saw this quote posted by Artidote I remembered that spiky tree that became the example for me and a good lesson. No matter how many spikes come out of you hurting, you keep growing even if it hurts. The post was quoting Ram Dass, the American Spiritualist:

"When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying, ‘You’re too this, or I’m too this.’ That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are." —Ram Dass 

Is not it enough to remind us that each of us walk with many kinds of spikes sticking out of our souls. Can we be nicer to each other and understand and empathize while appreciating their existence in any form they survived to?

Hopeless Realist: I am me! You are you!

Just like in many other cultures, in Azerbaijan partners are weirdly imposed to be our "other half". I used to believe in that crap too but lately I started thinking..why can't I just be me and he be himself?! Why do we have to be "one"?- My mom laughed and said "that's why you are still single!"

Sometime after the last break-up I read an article where it said that "To call someone else your 'other half' assumes that you are less without them, which is not healthy way of viewing yourself". We all have been in relationships where either one's priorities outweighed the other and at breakups or divorces we felt that we really have lost ourselves. That is something they never taught us in Azerbaijan. In a culture where everything is about sacrificing yourself we were never told to hold on to ourselves and that healthy relationship is the one where both partners are exercising their freedoms, likes, hobbies, friendships on their own without compromising the other one. Nobody told us, we don't have to do same thing, eat the same thing, believe in the same thing, like the same thing...Nobody told us that we are unique the way we are and as long as we like each other the way we are the relationship we are in will be less monotonous and less simply sad.

All our lives we walk with empty left side believing that there will be a guy/girl walking with his/her empty left to match us like in lego figures. And then we will both dance the relationship tango until one stops and then unclicks himself/herself from the 'other half' leaving us/them with a huge black hole. LOL! How could we all believe in a shit like this? Why can't we just be ourselves and fill the left side with a lot of love, respect, magic selves? Why do we ha
ve to tango together while one of us could enjoy salsa and another step dancing? Why can't we enjoy each other's weird selves rather than becoming one boring and unhealthy organ doomed to stagnate and rot?

Think about it before it is too late. Start filling your empty left with self love and explore yourself as we are all one rich garden full of exciting plans and flowers. Believe me love will find you then as Love does not like needy people in misery ;) 

Chase into a robot

Men of Azerbaijan are terrible fathers, big cheaters, great liars and strong as bull. Who made them like this? Answer is, all women in their lives. 

I grew up in a very traditional family. My father was barely home all my childhood and grew up hearing my mother cursing his job and the money because he was never around for us as kids. At some point when Soviets collapsed my father has lost his prestigious job and did not work for a while. He was home all the time, sometimes cooking for us, sometimes cleaning after us, sometimes being too much of a stalker parent while my mother worked. Nevertheless, he became too much for my mother all of a sudden. At every chance she was sending him somewhere to buy something, to carry something, travel or something else so that he does not stick home too much as it was tough to see him picking up 'other' roles in the family meaning more feminine roles which my society had no idea. One day my mother wanted a strong man who only works and bring money and does not care about the rest much and another moment she wanted a sensitive man, taking care of kids, asking them questions, taking them to kindergarten and stuff. Contradictions followed me all my life. She kept telling me, remember, never marry a man who does not work, never marry a man who sits home too much, never marry a man who does not care about kids, never marry a man who does not have a house, proper paying job (that means he can be either doctor/police/lawyer/politician/ or businessman) and the car, never marry the guy who does not open the door for you, or carries your stuff......bla bla bla. All the women around me since childhood made a checklist in my head which I never was able to fit any man from my society and ended up never getting married at my 33 years which is too late for my society anyway. Hahah I am almost dead for them with a gloomy lonely death where there is no child of mine to bury me :D. I understand that we all grew up dreaming about a prince on a white horse but honestly how many of us ever humanize them as being as capricious, as physically weak, as sensitive, as feminine, well groomed as they could be. Why in our imagination men who are groomed well are womanizers; Why often crying sensitive men are considered to be weak, aren't we crying all the time as women, does it make us weak?! ; Why those who prefer to sit home and take care of children are not accepted as fatherly act but being a loser with bad career?!

I am sick and tired of women being whatever they want to be and never allowing their men to exercise the same. Why do we keep dreaming of men like robots saving us from God knows what, having sex to us non-stop, bringing money like shit, and carrying heaviest stuff for us? Why do we keep dreaming of a robot instead of a sensitive, sensual, caring man?  

There is another problem - abusing men. Women in most cases justify as 'Compared to what he does, this is nothing". Just recently I read a blog about male being abused by their girl-friends and wives and it made me very sad. We talk a lot about women being abused by men, but do we ever talk about men being abused in this society or really in any society. I have many readers from Bangladesh, different African and Asian countries. I am sure you have a similar role for men. If you are, then below mentioned notes taken from boredpanda.com might be interesting thing to assess yourself to see how abusive you are to your man: 

The note says:

STOP

- Yelling at him in front of his friends;

- Hitting or slapping him when he does or says something you don't like; 

- Telling him he does not have a choice when you decide for both;

- Telling him not to talk to other girls even if they are his friends;

- Forcing him to spend every moment with you;

- Threatening to leave him if he does not do what you want; 

- Accusing him of cheating every moment when he is not around;

- Telling him that you are the only one in this planet who loves him like that :D 

- Crying or pretend to be crying to force him to do things for you;

- Blow up his phone with sms-es every five minutes if he does not respond;

- Violating his privacy by checking his pockets, phone, computer;

I mean the list could go on and on and I am sure many of you have already recognized yourselves which was the point. The matter is, the society tells us since we are kids that we are queens and princesses deserving the best of the best. But honey, don't you think guys deserve the best of the best as well as much as you do? So, while you see them as one of those in the picture above (money, sex organ and power), he will also see you as one of those in the picture as well ( cleaner, incubator for a baby and cute doll). And guess who should be the one to change all these roles once they are  still boys and girls? - Mothers. But until then, it is worth trying to change yourselves and your attitudes towards your precious men. 

A good friend of mine said recently that, human are able to change their perception, attitude and habits within six good years. So, things are actually not as imprinted to our psychology as we might think. They can change. We can change and here is how...

1. Ask questions: As a rule we girls expect the world running around us. We got used to being asked how do we feel and we like being asked questions so that we can go on and on about how shitty or how great (rarely) we feel. Men do too. You need to really ask them every single day about how they feel while you gently kiss them, massage them or just hold them. Even if he won't say much, he will know you will keep asking and being there for him no matter how hard his life gets. 

2. Hold him: We like being held and patted as we are like cats. Be sure men do too. As soon as he comes home, hold them in your lap just a little while and pat him. You will see how relaxed his shoulders will become all of a sudden and he will put his guard down knowing that he can be himself with you without acting like a big bear out there in the world. And believe me, the world does not want to see men weak so they act most of the time and exhaust themselves. They need to know that they can be as weak as they want in your trusted arms.

3. Talk to him: Talking for us is by rule is very judgemental. Half screaming, half smirking, half ironically smiling. That's not talking. Talking is, if he hurts you to sit in front of him and tell him, you know you hurt me today by saying.../doing.../not doing....You made me feel like...... I don't know what made you act like that, but this is not how i think i deserve being treated. Men are like cats too. They know when you are sincere and sense when you are being sneaky. So, be very very sincere. I am sure that will affect him. 

4.  Treat him like a soulmate: Stop seeing him as a money machine. Of course I am not talking about men who neither work nor help the household. Men who act like good-for-nothing are not good partners/husbands/boy-friends. Send them away. About the rest, allow men to chose what they want to do with their lives. Stop thinking only about your own comfort, think about men's as well. Be open about these things and try to treat him more like a soulmate rather than a money machine. 

5. Give him boys time: All men just like us need their own crazy time with their friends. Give him privacy so that he can exercise his right to proper leisure with his friends. Don't be jealous about it. Instead, meet with your friends and do the same without being bitchy about it. That will give him a chance to understand that you respect him not control.

6. Don't use him for money: Instead of seeing him as dollar bill, start working yourself as well and be fair in your expenses. For example: Make sure he gets his shopping time too as frequently as you do. He deserves spending his money for himself as well. Stop thinking that men are born only to earn you money so that you can fuck their brain and eventually their lives. The more you demand money, further he will run. Therefore, be fair. Earn your money yourself and let him feel equally responsible not the only one. 

7. Talk highly of him: Your man needs to feel that kids are his too not only yours. As naturally women have a closer bonding with their children, men are always polarized. Make sure children respect and love their fathers. They are not your therapy dogs or psychiatrists. Kids are kids. Never talk to them about your man/woman problems unless they are in charge of changing something. Otherwise, make sure your family, kids and your friends respect your man and see the best of him. Even if you divorce, make sure you respect the man once you shared your life with. 

Don't turn your men into robots. Try to see their weaknesses as humane as possible without being judgemental.